Maintaining

I'm just on the other side of 5 years since my Mom passed away and I'm still learning everyday how grief works.  Since becoming a mom myself a year ago, the pain of not having my own Mom here has intensified.  Through my counseling I was able to learn how to function and live on a day-to-day basis as a single person.  But this new venture into parenthood has left me feeling lost once again.  Parents are especially supportive during major life transitions (going to college, getting married, starting a family) and going through 2 of these in the last 2 years has made that missing piece much more apparent.  As I learn how to mother my own son, I see these roles that we take on.  I'm his protector, comforter, nurturer, teacher.  Even as an adult, it's difficult to lose the person that embodies those roles in your life.  I don't know if we ever stop needing our Moms.  God created a unique connection between women and their children.  They know us from the moment of conception and in a lot of cases, continue to be the people that know us the best as we grow up.  Most days I'm able to move through these feelings of loss and divert my attention to other things.  But some days are still just sad.  Some days my tears are painful and I feel overcome by the wave of grief that washes over me.  As usual, C.S. Lewis has a much more eloquent way of describing this cycle...

“For in grief nothing 'stays put'. One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral?

But if a spiral, am I going up or down it?

How often -- will it be for always? -- how often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say, 'I never realized my loss till this moment'? The same leg is cut off time after time.” 
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed