Numb

I now realize that when tragedy occurs, God very mercifully numbs our heart to a certain extent. If we felt the full weight of loss immediately after it happened, I don't know how many of us could get thru the days that follow. These are the days full of funeral arrangements, casseroles, visitors, phone calls, cards and flowers. There are at least 1,000 things that have to be done and checked off the list. This isn't the time to hide in bed all day. For us, this was also the period of time when supports systems for both my father and I began to take shape. I spent hours at my parents' house each day with my dad going thru files, making phone calls, sorting thru my mom's things, following up on emails, teaching him to do laundry, taking care of the cat. At the end of these emotionally exhausting days, I immediately went to my friends. Every night we all ended up at Jenny's house. Katy stocked the house with chips and dip, wine, and jelly bellies. This became my safe haven. After depleting what little emotional resources I had all day long, I went to them and they filled me back up. I also never slept alone for that first 10 days. Somebody was always with me, talking to me until I drifted off to sleep. Those moments with them are so precious to me, and really were the only thing that I had to look forward to at the time. I remember reading them my eulogy the night before my mom's memorial service and they gave me the reassurance and courage that I needed to get up and give it the next day. There was an unspoken agreement between my friends that nobody went to bed every night until I was ready. I didn't grow up with siblings, but it has become very clear to me that God brought each of these friends into my life in order to be there for me when I truly needed them. My mom loved my friends! I really think in her mind, they were all her kids. The thing she loved and cherished the most about them was the way they loved me. I really think my mom knew that if she ever left me on this earth, it would be ok because she would leave me in their hands. They were my anchors, and if they hadn't been there in those days when I was so numb and just getting thru each task at hand, I would have drifted further and further away.